Weekly Review

Donald Trump lives; Secret Service agents foiled what seemed the second design on the presidential candidate’s life while he golfed along the Trump International Golf Club course in West Palm Beach, the same green on which he reportedly won the Club, Senior Club, and Super Senior Championships… Read More

It was reported that Vladimir Putin’s secret sons enjoy pretending to be Disney characters. Read More

In Australia, workers gained the right to ignore their bosses outside of work hours. Read More

At an aquarium in Sydney, a gay gentoo penguin mourned his partner’s passing through song, rousing the colony to join in his dirge. Read More

Former British Prime Minister Liz Truss, whose 49-day premiership was outlived by a head of iceberg lettuce, alleged that a group of “far-left activists” had “suppress[ed] free speech” after they unveiled a poster of the victorious vegetable behind her during a stop on her pro-Trump speaking tour. Read More

In England, an “exceptionally wet summer” affected the Cerne Abbas Giant, an ancient chalk figure carved into a hill in Dorset, temporarily reducing the visibility of its famously prominent penis; one tourist complained that there was “no attraction there.” Read More

A police officer in Arizona who recently received an award from Mothers Against Drunk Driving was arrested for drunk driving. Read More

After weeks of pressure, President Joe Biden stepped down as the Democratic nominee and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris as his replacement. Read More

Former president Donald Trump was injured in what appeared to be a botched assassination attempt. Read More

On the Fourth of July, 26-year-old Patrick Bertoletti from Chicago was crowned America’s first new Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest champion in eight years, after reigning champion Joey Chestnut was banned from competition for endorsing vegan hot dogs. Read More

The Supreme Court decreed that former presidents are entitled to a degree of immunity from prosecution. Read More

Vladimir Putin took Kim Jong Un for a joyride, courting him with a limousine, a tea set, and an admiral’s dirk; Putin received a pair of North Korean hunting dogs in return. Read More

Donald Trump wished a happy Father’s Day to “all, including the radical left degenerates.” Read More

In protest of the Olympic Games, French activists announced a “defecation flashmob” in the Seine for June 23, when President Macron is scheduled to take a dip. Read More

Twelve largely politically indifferent New York jurors with interests ranging from live music to the outdoors convicted former President Trump on all 34 counts of falsifying business records to influence the outcome of the 2016 election. Read More

“I’ll explain it to you someday,” Trump said in response to the hypothetical question of how he puts his pants on. Read More

In Taiwan, MPs brawled after spending more than 10 hours debating legislative reforms; they pulled, shoved, punched, and tackled each other, and one ran off with the bill. Read More

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said that a parasitic worm found its way into his brain, “ate a portion of it and then died.” Read More

Pro-Palestine encampments on college campuses spread to 24 countries, and protests reached all seven continents, including a demonstration at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. Read More

A Belgian man was acquitted of drunk driving upon confirmation that he had auto-brewery syndrome, a rare condition in which the human body spontaneously generates alcohol. Read More

The University of Southern California canceled a speech by its current valedictorian, a biomedical engineer who minored in resistance to genocide, out of concern that she might discuss Palestine. Read More

Coup de Chance, Woody Allen’s 50th film, made its U.S. premiere; its title translates to “stroke of luck,” and a total of 13 theaters elected to show the flick. Read More

“It mostly felt like a brief speed bump,” said a Pennsylvania man who was receiving a vasectomy when a 4.8-magnitude earthquake struck New Jersey and the New York City metropolitan area. Read More

Dairy cows have tested positive for bird flu for the first time. Read More

Lawyers for Donald Trump indicated that the former president was too cash poor to post his $454 million bond, and that none of the 30 would-be lenders he approached for loans would grant him the sum. Read More

In Haiti, Prime Minister Ariel Henry announced he would step down once a transitional council was in place, and an ex-police officer and current gangster known as Barbecue threatened politicians who were planning to take part in the council. Read More

A 62-year-old German man who was administered 217 COVID-19 vaccines reported no side effects and no cases of the virus; researchers found that the 217th shot had further boosted the man’s immunity. Read More

President Biden said the U.S. would begin airdropping food and supplies to Gazans, but twice confused Gaza with Ukraine during his announcement. Read More

An unidentified flying object observed traversing the skies of Salt Lake City, Utah, turned out to be a balloon; a joint military command issued a fighter jet to intercept it. Read More

Nearly one-fifth of Americans believe in a conspiracy theory involving the strategic government use of Taylor Swift to increase Biden’s reelection chances. Read More